Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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