This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
