Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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