I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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