I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
why is half of my head shaved?
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