we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
