You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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