My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
