Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
