My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
