every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
