final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
