I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
