Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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