I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
