I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
