When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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