U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
