I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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