oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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