He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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