Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
