Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
