i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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