I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
