I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
