well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
