wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
