At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
