I will die if light touches me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
