apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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