One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
