Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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