And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
