hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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