does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
