This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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