we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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