Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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