Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
