The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
