Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
