you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
