jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
wanna go halves on a baby?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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