he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize