I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
