I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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