why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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