guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
