I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
