I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
