I don't usually arrange sex via text message
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
