My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
