Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
