Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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