We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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