woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
