You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
