You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
