just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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