we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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