I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
