dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
