my shit smells like andre
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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