i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just found puke in my bra..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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