ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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