I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
