im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
