Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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