so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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