I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
