the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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