Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
