between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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