I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
