the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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